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Before I Let Go
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Chapter 39-EpilogueChapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 39 Summary: “Josiah”
Josiah wakes up in bed with Yasmen, delighted with their recent time together. As the two have passionate sex, Josiah, still dogged by fears that Yasmen will reject him again, wonders if the intense bond he feels is reciprocated. Afterward, he drinks in her naked body, cataloguing the changes in her through her pregnancies, naming each of their children, including Henry. They have sex again, and in the aftermath Yasmen admits she is dreading Josiah’s absence on his next trip to Charlotte. When he mentions that Vashti will handle Grits, Yasmen grimaces, and confesses she is still struggling with her residual jealousy. Josiah admits he felt the same way about Mark. Josiah assures her their chemistry is incomparable.
Before they can speak more, Deja arrives home unexpectedly. Deja sees her parents half dressed, and Josiah calmly tells her to wait for them downstairs and he will explain. He assures Yasmen that they can handle the coming conversation. Josiah makes breakfast for Deja and reminds her their relationship is private and he may choose not to answer all of her questions.
Deja is stunned and hurt. She finally reveals the extent of her anger at Yasmen: She heard their fight the night Yasmen asks for the divorce and knows that Yasmen initiated it. Deja yells, “She doesn’t deserve you! It’s all her fault! Everything is her fault!” (4722). Josiah sees Yasmen in the doorway and knows she has heard everything.
Chapter 40 Summary: “Yasmen”
Yasmen is devastated by Deja’s words. She realizes it is more important to address her daughter’s pain than to dwell in her own guilt, reflecting, “I want peace for her more than I want it for myself (4730). Josiah casts the decision as mutual, but Deja refuses to accept any of his explanations.
Yasmen explains how overpowering her depression was, that it influenced all her choices, including her inability to repair her relationship with Josiah. Yasmen admits that while she asked for the divorce, she now regrets it. When Deja asks if she would take it back, she says, “I think it was a mistake” (4756).
She promises Deja that she will always love her and hopes her daughter can come to accept her for all her flaws. When Yasmen says she has enough grief and cannot face a rupture with Deja, she waits for her daughter’s reaction. Deja enters her arms, and the two cry together.
Chapter 41 Summary: “Yasmen”
Yasmen prepares for an unexpected snow day with her children. She and Deja are still uneasy with each other, but their relationship is improving. They settle down to watch the classic Cosby Show spinoff, A Different World, set in a fictional HBCU. Deja confides that she wants to attend the more diverse public high school rather than stay at Harrington, and Yasmen supports her choice because it is consistent with her values as an HBCU alumna herself.
When Deja mentions her menstrual cycle, Yasmen suddenly realizes her own is late and that she could be pregnant. She rushes out to buy a pregnancy test. Knowing all the risks, she is both elated and terrified. She reminds herself she has a support system and imagines telling Josiah about a new pregnancy. She realizes again that she wants them to share a home and a life once more. She buys the pregnancy test and returns home.
Chapter 42 Summary: “Josiah”
Josiah is preparing to return home, eager to see his family but ambivalent about telling Kassim about his relationship with Yasmen. When he arrives, Deja teases him about his obvious eagerness to see her mother.
Josiah finds Yasmen in her closet, singing Hendrix’s favorite song. He greets her with a passionate kiss and a pear from Merry and Ken’s tree. Yasmen confesses that she thought she was pregnant but now knows she is not. She tells him the experience proved to her their family is not complete and that she wants to reunite. Josiah reminds her she wanted the divorce, saying, “You sent me away. It’s not as simple as me just coming home” (4952). To prove she realized her mistake early, Yasmen shows him his shoes in her closet. Josiah is still angry and tells her how much it destroyed him to live away from her and their children. Yasmen blames Kassim’s therapy on herself, but Josiah reminds her of their shared trauma and says that he failed their family by refusing therapy.
Josiah accuses Yasmen of refusing to work for their relationship when he was willing to do so. Overcome with tears, she confesses that she had to devote all her energy to saving her own life and could not work on their marriage at the same time. Josiah, in a turmoil of uncertainty, realizes he still cannot trust Yasmen’s assurances.
Yasmen reminds him she cannot erase their past, but she can commit to their future. Josiah, terrified for reasons he cannot name, reminds her that their renewed bond could be temporary, brought on by his relationship with Vashti. Yasmen asks him to have faith in her support systems, her therapy, and her recovery. She cannot be the person he remembers, but she can commit to herself and to them. Yasmen tells him, “Ask me again if I love you, Si, ask me now” (5021). Torn with indecision, he cannot respond, so Yasmen whispers her confession of love into his ear.
Chapter 43 Summary: “Josiah”
The narrative turns to Josiah in Dr. Musa’s office. His therapist gently teases him about his progress; he has gone from being entirely resistant to voluntarily seeking a session to resolve his turmoil and indecision. Josiah describes Yasmen’s offer and his own ambivalence. He admits that if Yasmen’s promises are true, he would be overjoyed and happy to resume a life with her.
When Josiah admits he fears more emotional pain, Dr. Musa asks him about his parents’ deaths and finding Byrd after her fatal heart attack. Dr. Musa tells Josiah he has to decide if his fears are strong enough to prevent him from pursuing real happiness with Yasmen. Josiah catalogues all the versions of Yasmen he has loved, and the person he loves now, “reshaped by sorrow, reformed by grief, reborn in joy” (5095). Josiah realizes his fears are imperiling everything he has ever wanted, and that for too long, he has been “measuring how much [he] loved people in terms of how much it would hurt to lose them” (5102). Josiah, finally facing all his losses, weeps.
Chapter 44 Summary: “Yasmen”
Yasmen is in turmoil over her recent conversation with Josiah. She struggles to prepare dinner, silently asking Byrd for both guidance and forgiveness for hurting Josiah. Josiah arrives, surprising her, and says he has brought a suitcase, ready to answer her earlier questions. He kisses her tears, and she notices he has also been crying. Yasmen is proud when he says he has been with his therapist, and Josiah says he would like them to see a therapist together. When Yasmen assures him she will stay with him through any coming conflicts, Josiah says, “I’m apparently not very good at losing things, and I’m really bad at losing you” (5151). They kiss, and Deja, who sees, makes noises of disgust. When Kassim comes to check on the commotion, Josiah says, linking hands with Yasmen, “I’m coming home” (5170).
Epilogue Summary: “Yasmen”
The Epilogue resumes almost two years later, on another New Year’s Eve. Yasmen drinks champagne with Hendrix and Soledad. The former is celebrating a work triumph. Hendrix and Yasmen avoid criticizing Edward, though they still doubt his fidelity and suitability as a partner. Yasmen reflects that she is happy in their current arrangement—living together while still divorced—though she is also ready to remarry when Josiah is.
As the women toast their friendship, Josiah comes up and embraces Yasmen. They briefly discuss their plans to grow their family through adoption. The two dance to Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together,” which Josiah admits he requested. Yasmen quietly rejoices in the lyrics, which remind her of her life with Josiah and their new commitment. Josiah presents Yasmen with an engagement ring, inscribed with the word “wheel,” which, as Josiah says, is a reminder that the ring is “our own eternity” (5273). Yasmen is overcome with emotion as he proposes to her again. When she suggests she is unworthy of the chance, Josiah reminds her that they know all about life’s fragility and can choose each other again. He assures her, “[N]ow everything I’ve lost makes me cherish the things I have” (5285). Yasmen joyfully accepts his proposal.
Chapter 39-Epilogue Analysis
In the novel’s closing act, Yasmen and Josiah address their lingering emotional issues and find authentic ways to communicate and understand themselves. Though these developments are painful and difficult, they occur in an entirely different context than the couple’s initial separation, allowing the reader to have faith in the durability of their reconciliation. Ryan indicates that physical intimacy and emotional authenticity are a key part of the couple’s new bond. Josiah can now name all of their children as part of Yasmen, and part of their history, in contrast to his previous inability to speak of Henry or acknowledge his loss. The couple acknowledge their Grief and Loss, but it is soon followed by passion, as proof of their healing, individually and as a couple.
Yasmen and Josiah’s confrontation with Deja is a further illustration of their growth and willingness to be vulnerable. By refusing to let Deja criticize Yasmen or blame her for the divorce, Josiah taking accountability for his role in the breakdown of the marriage. In turn, Yasmen admits that she has deep regrets over the cost of her depression but is focused on her daughter’s needs and her hopes for the future. Deja responds to this authenticity, suggesting that the trust between Yasmen and Josiah is key to the restoration of Yasmen’s relationship with Deja as well. The two weep together, just as Yasmen and Josiah did, underlining that the healthy expression of grief is critical to trauma recovery. The Role of Therapy in Healing intersects with Co-Parenting and Rebuilding Trust because building authentic trust relies on the communication and self-reflection they learn in therapy.
Yasmen’s emotional reactions to a possible pregnancy demonstrate that trauma recovery is an honest reckoning with the past, not an erasure of it. Yasmen is still terrified of both the medical and psychological implications of another pregnancy, but she finds herself newly confident in her support system and hopeful that it now includes Josiah. Her confession about keeping his shoes brings her to other levels of honesty: her commitment to her recovery process and the depths of her previous struggles with suicidal ideation. Though Josiah is angry at what he sees as her cavalier attitude toward his feelings and his past suffering, he refuses to let Yasmen wallow in guilt. He reminds her that Kassim’s therapy work is a natural consequence of grief, not a poor reflection on her character.
Instead of lashing out in anger, as he did during their fight over divorce, Josiah turns to his therapist and fully faces his loss not only of Byrd and Henry but also of his own parents. He comes to realize that he has rarely loved with full trust and security; he owes it to himself, and Yasmen, to seek his own happiness even if it may be fleeting. His ability to weep shows that he has released his prior belief that vulnerability threatens his strength or masculinity. He admits his change of heart to Yasmen and suggests their reconciliation include couple’s therapy. Like Yasmen, Josiah now accepts that therapy is not only a useful tool but also a key to a healthy relationship with grief and vulnerability.
The epilogue indicates that the changes Yasmen and Josiah have made in themselves are a durable foundation for a new future. Yasmen still has Soledad and Hendrix for her support system, and the entire family remains in therapy. Yasmen acknowledges she will always grieve for Byrd and Henry, no matter how rich and full her life becomes. Josiah’s proposal to Yasmen is an expression of his firm belief in her. They are entirely different people from the ones introduced in the Prologue, when Josiah first proposed, but their passion for one another is undimmed.
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