Queenie

Cassandra hasn’t contacted Queenie for three weeks. Queenie worries about losing more important people in her life and feels as if no one actually cares about her deeply. She feels like Guy was the one using her, not vice versa. On the bus, Queenie rehearses a speech in her head. She rings the doorbell at the apartment where she and Tom used to live, and a small white woman answers. Queenie sort of recognizes the woman and assumes it must be a neighbor and that she rang the wrong buzzer. The woman leaves, and Tom comes down to ask her what she wants. He’s upset that she came without arranging a visit, but she tells him that she needs to say a few things. She tells him about how awful her life has become since their break and how much she hates the person she has become, sleeping with all these random guys. She apologizes for everything and tells him that this is the first time she has ever said sorry. He says that their relationship is over and that he thought they were on the same page. She says that they are in love, referencing the “X” he sent her on New Year’s Eve. The white woman returns, asking Tom if he’s done yet; Tom tells her that he needs a minute to say goodbye to Queenie. Tom tells Queenie that the woman is his girlfriend. She almost tells him about her miscarriage but decides that he won’t care and keeps it to herself.

At home, Rupert makes Queenie some tea, and she blacks out. When Queenie comes to, she’s unable to move or breath and calls Maggie for help. Maggie brings Diana, who tells them both that Queenie is experiencing a panic attack. Queenie says that she has never had a panic attack before. They help Queenie pack a bag and take her to her grandparents’ house. Her grandmother makes her eat before tucking her into bed with a hot water bottle. Queenie texts The Corgis chat group about what happened with Tom and tells them that she can’t take much more hardship. Queenie goes to the bathroom, and her grandmother comes in, saying that she can’t sleep when she’s worrying about her family. They go back to bed together, and Queenie rests her head on her grandmother’s chest.

The Corgi chat talks about how Tom’s new girlfriend is white and, after finding out online that they work together, wonders if he was cheating before the break. Queenie gets a text back from Cassandra that she’ll meet up with her if Queenie will stop texting her. At lunch, Darcy tells Queenie that she always found Cassandra hypercritical, through the lens of psychoanalysis, and icy; Queenie is glad she’s not the only one who noticed. Darcy notices that Queenie can’t eat because she’s too anxious. Queenie reminds Darcy about the counselor’s number that Elspeth gave her, and Darcy encourages her to call, noting that everyone has problems.

Queenie is very nervous to see Cassandra. Jacob answers the door and is kind, as always. Cassandra is packing and brags to Queenie that she’s moving to Winchester with Guy because he’s working in a hospital there. She makes more comments shaming Queenie for her relationship with Guy and, when Queenie tries to defend herself, cuts her off, telling her that Guy made this one mistake and she’s willing to move on with him. Queenie tells her that she was expecting an apology. Cassandra tells Queenie that she’d rather have a stable relationship with Guy than continue focusing on Queenie and all her issues. Queenie tells her that she deserves more than a cheating boyfriend. She calls Queenie “‘damaged goods’” and “‘self-destructing.’” She takes Tom’s side and says, “‘You’re so closed off that actual love is out of your reach, so you settle for sex, with anyone who’ll f*** you […] With a mum like yours it’s no surprise’” (222). She tells Queenie that she’ll send her the tab she’s racked up and says goodbye

Queenie is hanging out with Kyazike, who’s talking about Cassandra, on her balcony. Kyazike asks Queenie why she doesn’t try dating Black men. Queenie recoils. They reminisce about a time when Kyazike’s cousin tried to flirt with Queenie and she got so freaked out that she cried. Queenie says, “‘I’m scared of black guys. I’ll always, always think they hate me’” (223). She says that she might indeed be “‘damaged goods’” because of how all these men in her life, including Roy, have treated her. Kyazike tells Queenie that she’s not “‘damaged goods’” and that Cassandra can’t even turn all her psychoanalysis back on herself and see what a horrible relationship she’s in. They go inside to do Kyazike’s hair, and Queenie asks her what she thinks about people going to therapy. Kyazike responds that when Ugandan people have a problem, they just pretend nothing’s wrong and keep going. Queenie confesses that she wants to go to therapy, and Kyazike tells her to talk to someone else about it.

Kyazike starts telling one of her crazy date stories, but Queenie’s so anxious that she can’t focus. Kyazike picks up on her silence and asks what’s wrong. Queenie tells her that she’s tired. Kyazike wonders whether she should try dating white men. Queenie tells her that she just wants a “‘happy ending.’” As Kyazike cooks, Queenie starts to fall asleep; Kyazike brings her a headscarf and a blanket.

At work the next day, Gina emails Queenie to meet. After insulting Queenie for wearing the same outfit two days in a row, she informs her that she’s being suspended because of her crush on Ted. Apparently, Ted told the HR department that she acted inappropriately toward him. Queenie tries to explain, but Gina tells her that she hasn’t been doing her job anyway, so she has no ground to stand on, and that Queenie isn’t the only person in the world with stuff going on, citing her own stressful life. She adds that they can reassess the situation in two weeks and that in the meantime Chuck will take her place. Queenie retorts that Chuck has it easy because his father is the head of the US paper. Gina tells Queenie that even though life isn’t fair, she put herself in this situation. Queenie begins to have a panic attack; Gina grabs Darcy, who calls Maggie to come pick her up.

With hopes of recovering, Queenie moves out of her house and in with her grandparents. Laying in her new bed, she feels like she’s regressing.

Queenie thinks back to when she lived with Roy. He forced them to have a meal together each week and then spent the entire dinner insulting Queenie and her mother. Queenie always wished her mother would stand up for her during these meals. One day, Queenie lost her appetite and tried to excuse herself from the meal to do homework. After trying to force Queenie to finish her plate, Roy forced Sylvie to, shoving her face into the plate.

It takes Queenie all night to fall asleep. Although she doesn’t have to go to work, her grandmother wakes her up early to eat some porridge and do chores. Queenie reminds her grandmother that she’s sick and needs to rest, but her grandmother tells her that if her body still works, she must help out. Queenie agrees to help out with anything as long as she doesn’t have to go to church. In the bath, Queenie starts shaking and having a panic attack and can’t yell for help, so she waits for her grandmother to come. Her grandmother tells her that she has had much worse shakes than Queenie is having and tells her to get up.

Two weeks later, the therapy office calls Queenie to set up an appointment. The Corgi chat reaches out to check on her, and she tells them that things are going poorly and that she plans not to use her phone for a while. Queenie’s grandparents see a letter from the therapist’s office before she has a chance to tell them about it. Queenie’s grandmother is enraged, talking about how much she and Sylvie have gone through without going to therapy, but Queenie stands her ground. She reminds her grandmother that she brought pride to the family by going to college and getting a career. Hearing the commotion, Queenie’s grandfather asks what’s happening. He tells Veronica that Queenie should go to therapy so that she won’t have to hold in all her trauma until she dies.

Queenie is in her first therapy session and is unsure where to start. Her therapist, Janet, asks why she decided to start therapy and Queenie answers that her relationship, her job, and her housing have all fallen apart. She adds that this is all her own fault.

Queenie has a flashback to being with Tom. She was feeling ill and he was trying to figure out whether she’d be better in time for his mom’s birthday. He asked if the bug she had was one “‘that makes you angry and withdrawn too’” (242). He brings her tea, which she doesn’t want, initiating a drawn-out fight between them.

Janet asks Queenie why she believes all these things are her fault. Queenie explains the miscarriage and the constant fighting with Tom. She then starts to talk about how she believes her friends think of her as a weight on their backs. Janet reminds her that these aren’t trivial issues and that Queenie has experienced many losses recently. Queenie talks about her fatigue, her impending doom, her nightmares, and the difficulty of doing fun things. Janet tells Queenie to stop apologizing and points out that Queenie used the word “normal,” explaining that trying to fit into a preconceived notion of what is “normal” is very difficult. Janet asks Queenie what she thinks about herself. Queenie says, “‘That I’m insane, mainly’” (246) and avoids answering the question any further. When Janet asks Queenie about her parents, she becomes anxious and asks Janet not to talk about her mother. Janet says that eventually they’ll have to talk about her and then leads her through some breathing exercises. After the session, Queenie decides not to return to therapy.

Queenie makes a list of the pros and cons of living with her grandparents (it’s clean, quiet, less expensive, and she can see family more—but she must do chores and go to bed early, eat food that’s too spicy, avoid going to church, and face Sylvie more often, and she can’t use the internet at night because her grandfather turns it off). A few weeks later, Queenie is cleaning when her grandmother tells her that a letter came for her. The letter is from Janet, who’s asking Queenie to come back to counseling; she tells Queenie that during their meeting, she saw who Queenie could be if she got better and wants to help her become that person.

The story flashes forward to after Queenie has attended five sessions with Janet. The duo has unpacked Queenie’s relationship to her friends, to sex, to Tom, to her father, and to physical affection. Finally, they must face the issue of Sylvie. Queenie explains to Janet how close she and her mother were before Roy. She tells her about how Roy picked at her, punished her, and purposefully created a rift between her and her mother. Roy started to cheat on her mother and got a flat for Queenie and Sylvie to stay in, but Sylvie rarely stayed there with her 11-year-old daughter. One time, Sylvie stood up to Roy about his affairs and he beat her up. When Janet says how awful this is, Queenie tells her that living alone was better than living with him.

Darcy texts Queenie to check in. Queenie tells her that seeing Janet is intense and that she recommended Queenie try swimming. Queenie falls asleep and dreams about being in therapy, yelling about how she spoke up every time Roy abused her mom in her sleep. Veronica comes in and says to Queenie “‘Me never know you suffer so bad’” (253).

Queenie goes to the pool, which is full of white people, and she feels uncomfortable there. She lies down by the pool and hears the white women near her talking about how bad the tenants at their properties are. She listens to a podcast, only to open her eyes to a child staring at her and then pulling her hair and calling her a sea monster. The child belongs to the woman next to Queenie; Queenie asks the woman if her child can apologize, and the woman ignores her, telling her friend that she wants to leave to avoid being “‘attacked.’” Queenie leaves instead, hearing the woman whisper “‘so aggressive’” as she does. Queenie starts to have a panic attack and calls Janet, who helps her breathe. She tells Janet that she has been thinking about Sylvie a lot, perhaps because of her miscarriage. She says, “‘I guess I never thought of her as a person, I just saw her as someone who should protect me. And in a way, she did, in the end. It’s my mum who took the pain’” (258). She compares her life to her mother’s, saying that unlike her mother, she has no one on whom to blame her disarray. Hanging up with Janet, Queenie texts Darcy to tell her that she had a revelation at the pool.