Wintergirls

Saturday morning, Lia picks up Elijah and drives to the cemetery for the graveside service. At the cemetery, a man tells them that they’ll have to park and walk up the hill to the service—they are running late, and the parking lot closest to the top of the hill is full. Lia is wearing a dress and heels. Lia thought she looked good when she got ready that morning, but now she feels cold in her dress. Lia worries she won’t be able to walk up the hill in heels. Lia takes off her heels and changes into a pair of high-top sneakers from the trunk of her car. Elijah gives Lia his coat. They begin walking up the hill toward the service.

Lia is struggling by the time they make it to the top of the hill. Remembering the place on her hip where she cut herself with a razor the night before, Lia thinks, “The fresh cuts in my hip are aching and I’m certain one of them has opened up and is bleeding” (132). Lia feels as though she’s becoming colder and weaker the closer she gets to the gravesite. At the top of the hill, several people surround Cassie’s casket, which is waiting to be lowered to the ground, including many students and teachers from their school. A minister is speaking. Lia sees her mother and hides behind Elijah.

Lia remembers when Cassie’s pet mouse, Pinky, died the summer before fourth grade. Cassie’s father said he would throw Pinky into the trash later. Cassie became upset, insisting she didn’t want to throw Pinky away. Lia helped Cassie give Pinky a funeral. Lia wrapped Pinky into a bandana, and together, they buried Pinky in Cassie’s mother’s rose garden. The next summer, Cassie’s mother won an award for her roses and Cassie’s family threw a celebration party.

Lia remembers when her maternal grandmother died when she was thirteen. Lia remembers the funeral and the way her mother acted during the procession, crying with a blank expression that surprised Lia. She says, “Nanna didn’t like it when people made a spectacle of themselves in public. I was so stunned by the sight of the tears streaming down her cheeks I missed most of the service” (136).

Cassie’s service comes to an end.

As people begin to leave, Lia tells Elijah she wants to wait and watch them cover up Cassie’s casket. Lia’s mother notices Lia and calls out her name. Lia tries to hide behind Elijah.

Lia remembers how the second time she was admitted to the hospital for recovery, her parents “bounced the blame back and forth” (138). Lia describes that her mother “wanted to be the boss, wanted to be Dr. Marrigan instead of Sick Lia’s Mom” (138). The doctors at the hospital wouldn’t let Lia’s mom intervene, and after that, Lia’s mom missed some of the family therapy sessions. After Lia was released, she refused to go back to living at her mother’s house, figuring, “If I was such a difficult child, such a pain in her neck, then I’d find someplace else to live” (139).

Lia’s mother notices Lia again and comes over. Lia’s mother repeats Lia’s name and asks what she is doing there. Elijah is surprised to hear that her name is Lia, because he was still under the impression that she was Emma. Lia tells her mother that her therapist told her she could go to the service. Lia’s mother makes Lia promise she will be at her house later that day. Lia’s mother walks away, and Lia watches Cassie’s casket begin to lower into the ground.

Lia and Elijah walk back to Lia’s car. Lia asks Elijah if he is mad that she lied to him about her name. Elijah says he doesn’t think so, but he needs some space, and he’s not sure when they will see each other again. Lia drops Elijah off at the motel. Lia wonders why Elijah is behaving differently and thinks the graveyard and funeral affected them both.

Lia drives to her mother’s house and parks in the driveway. Lia’s mother lives across the street from Cassie’s parents, which is how Lia and Cassie became close friends as children. Several cars are parked up and down the street, and many people are visiting Cassie’s parents’ house.

Lia remembers the first time she saw Cassie make herself throw up when they were eleven. Cassie’s parents were throwing a Labor Day party. Cassie ate several treats and snacks and then made herself throw up in a dark corner of the rose garden. When Lia found Cassie, Cassie explained that she did it so she wouldn’t get fat. Lia helped Cassie clean the vomit off her shirt. Lia sees her mother’s car pull into the driveway and sees that her mother has been crying.

Lia looks for her mother inside the house. Lia expects her mother to be prepared with “lecture notes neatly arranged with my faults and mistakes listed in order of priority” (148), but Lia can’t find her anywhere. Finally, Lia peeks through the bathroom door and hears her mother taking a shower. Lia hears “the sobs of a grown woman breaking into girl-sized pieces” (149).

When Lia’s mother comes downstairs, she finds Lia cooking her breakfast. Lia is making coffee, an omelet, and muffins. Lia tells her mother that Jennifer taught her how to cook. Lia sets the food in front of her mother. Lia’s mother says it tastes good and says Lia should also make some food for herself. Lia thinks, “We’re not yelling at each other. We’re not looking for the sharpest knives to hurt each other with. This is good” (151). Lia asks her mother how Cassie died, knowing her mother had access to the autopsy reports through her job as a surgeon. Lia’s mother says she doesn’t think she should tell Lia. Lia’s mother finishes her food and insists Lia should eat lunch too. Lia insists she isn’t hungry and begins washing dishes. After a while, Lia realizes the dishes are done and her hands are still in the water, which has gone cold while she zoned out. Lia’s mother sits Lia down at the table and makes Lia a plate of eggs. Lia’s mother insists Lia eat the food in front of her. Lia says, “You aren’t supposed to push me. I have to feel safe with food” (155) to which her mother responds, “That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard” (155). Lia’s mother says that if Lia eats half her food, she will tell Lia how Cassie died. Slowly, Lia starts to eat. It takes Lia an hour to eat the portion of food.