Wintergirls

Lia spends the afternoon baking cookies and a date-nut bread for Emma’s elementary school holiday bake sale. When Emma and Jennifer come home, Lia offers to help out at the bake sale, which is happening at the same time as the Winter Holiday Concert, so Jennifer can watch Emma in the concert. At the elementary school, Jennifer kisses Lia’s nose and says, “You can be so sweet sometimes, you know that?” (199).

The other moms at the bake sale offer Lia their treats. They comment that Lia looks so skinny and doesn’t have to worry about putting on weight like them. Lia notices how “They slap their thighs, wiggle their butts, pinch their bellies” (200). When the concert starts, Lia offers to watch the baked goods and the cash box and tells the moms to go inside and watch their kids. Once the moms are gone, Lia tries to resist eating the baked goods in front of her. Finally, Lia takes one cupcake, “the cupcake guaranteed to taste the worst: pomegranate” (203). Lia plans to just eat six seeds off the top, but Lia can’t stop herself from eating the rest of the pomegranate cupcakes, and several more treats. When the doors open and the moms return to the bake sale, Lia runs to the bathroom and tries to make herself throw up, but she can’t force herself to dispose of the food.

Lia takes laxatives to help her body get rid of all the treats she ate at the bake sale. In the middle of the night, Lia wakes up in pain. Jennifer helps Lia to the bathroom. On the toilet, Lia thinks, “I know exactly what’s wrong. I am a gluttonous, gorging failure. A waste. My body isn’t used to high-sugar carbs laced with witchcraft” (205). Lia spends the night “shuffling between my bed and the toilet, emptying, emptying, emptying as the laxatives grind through me and do their dirty work” (206). When Lia gets back into bed, she is still in pain. She considers waking up Jennifer, but she knows Jennifer will call an ambulance and she’ll have to go to the hospital, where they’ll realize she hasn’t been eating. Finally, Lia explains, “I roll over and ask Cassie to rub my back and sing to me” (206).

The next day, Lia’s father returns home from his work trip. Lia’s father offers to make both of them lunch. Lia’s father makes himself two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and makes Lia some toast. Lia observes how casually he eats his sandwiches while he is making her some toast and tea. Lia thinks, “I can’t remember what it’s like to eat without planning for it, charting the calories and the fat content and measuring my hips and thighs to see if I deserve it” (209). Lia’s father tells her he spoke with Lia’s mother, and she thinks Lia should be evaluated by a doctor to see if she should go back into the hospital as an inpatient. Lia’s father thinks going back into the hospital is a little extreme, and maybe Lia can just see a nutritionist instead. Lia’s father asks, “Don’t you want to be healthy, to feel better?” (212). Lia accuses her father of just trying to get rid of her and they get into a fight. Lia tells her father that he’s never home, that he never follows through on the things he promises her such as weekend trips, and that Jennifer does everything around the house. Lia shoves one of his sandwiches into her mouth and screams, “Is this what you want?” (214). Lia runs out of the room.

In her bedroom, Lia piles all of her belongings into garbage bags. Lia’s father sees her but doesn’t say anything. Eventually, Lia’s father brings Lia a cup of tea and some cookies and says he is going to his office.

After Lia’s father leaves, Lia calls the motel and insists on speaking to Elijah. Lia apologizes to Elijah for lying about her name and asks if they can be friends again. Elijah responds, “I guess” (217). Elijah tells Lia he is fixing up his car and when the motel closes for the winter, he’ll head out on a road trip, possibly toward Mississippi or Mexico. Lia tells Elijah she has a question and asks him how he knew Cassie was trying to call her. Elijah admits that he saw Cassie check in on Thursday and on Saturday, Cassie invited him into her room. Elijah stayed for a little bit but could tell Cassie had been drinking and was unwell, so he left. Elijah played cards with Charlie until midnight at the front desk, then headed out to a local bar. As Elijah was leaving, he passed Cassie again. Cassie was crying and asking for Lia, claiming she had a message for Lia, and gave him Lia’s number to write down. At this behavior from Cassie, Elijah left as quickly as possible.

Lia asks Elijah what the message was. According to Elijah, Cassie said, “Tell Lia she won. I lost and she won” (219). Elijah asks Lia if the girls had some kind of bet and what she won. Lia hangs up the phone and thinks, “I won the wintergirl trip over the border into dangerland” (219).

Lia goes into the bathroom. Lia starts brushing her teeth, hard, until blood drips down her chin, “transforming me into a hungry vampire ready to suck the life out of anyone who pisses me off” (220). Lia steps on her secret scale, a different one than the one Jennifer uses to weigh her each week, and sees that she weighs 89 pounds. Lia thinks, “I could say I’m excited, but that would be a lie. The number doesn’t matter. If I got down to 070.00, I’d want 065.00 […] The only number that would be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point” (220). Lia throws the scale into the front yard. Lia takes out her grandmother’s old knife, which she stole from her mother’s house, and cuts herself from her neck to just below her heart, then between her ribs.

The next two pages are left blank.

Emma opens the bathroom door and sees Lia, covered in blood, holding the knife. Emma screams.